Everyday mercs
by ActionToysReviews
Summary: After the defeat of Gray Mann, the mercenaries are sent on a well deserved vacation while Mann Co. picks itself together (again). Rated T to be safe. Includes general TF2 craziness.
1. Chapter 1: Boredom strikes

Chapter 1: Boredom strikes

After the defeat of Gray Mann, all of the mercenaries expected to be fired again, but turns out that with Mann dead and Saxton Hale at the head of Mann Co. again, their already lofty salaries and pensions were returned, and even better, they were told that their jobs were not on the line, and they could return to their gun-filled routine.

However, Saxton Hale was not known for actually thinking stuff through, so the nine professional killers ended up stuck in the middle of nowhere with no BLU team to fight, too much time to waste and heaps of money to burn (In Pyro´s case this was literal). So, as any human being would, they soon grew bored of their seemingly peaceful situation after a few weeks, and began picking up some pretty destructive habits. It went unnoticed to Mann Co. for one or two months, but they soon got a rude wake-up call when Demoman, Engineer and Pyro ended up totaling the base thanks to "scientific curiosity", as they agreed to write on the insurance report.

After a few days of sleeping in a barn while Miss Pauling tried to build up enough credible evidence to get Homeland Security off their backs by making up a freak industrial accident that explained why there would soon be a new lake in the middle of the badlands the next time it rained, the mercenaries got a call from her. Pauling explained that while the mercs´ existence was still a secret, the incident had indeed been traced back to Mann Co., and the situation had quickly snowballed into a Public Relationships disaster after Hale had locked up the investigators with him in a cage and demanded they solved the problem "the Australian way".

To avoid yet another attempted homicide lawsuit against Mann Co., Miss Pauling had to give another group of safety inspectors tours of all the company's properties, which meant sending the team on a well-deserved holiday; which Engineer soon took over to plan the full trip. He soon announced that they all needed to spend some money on something that wasn't a weapon, and that they'd kick off the trip with a visit to a mall.

By the time Miss Pauling remembered she had not told the team to actually dress and act like civilians, everyone had already packed their bags, loaded up whatever vehicle they had with their guns, luggage and food; and were well on their way to what was probably their first vacations ever.


	2. Chapter 2: The long road ahead

Chapter 2: The long road ahead (of the mall)

The drive to the nearest shopping mall was hell for Spy. Since they only had Sniper's camper and Engineer's truck, he'd hoped to end up with the "sane" bunch of the team with Sniper as the vehicle's driver, but life had played a sad joke on him that day, and somehow Spy ended up in the back of Engineer's truck sandwiched between the gleeful Pyro and Soldier, who had woken up more vocal today, and had spent the last fifteen minutes babbling about how his American boots were better than Spy's French moccasins. Spy was beginning to seriously consider jumping out of the moving vehicle just to get away from Soldier's ranting.

For Pyro, the trip was a different story. After being told by the Engineer about how they were going to a place where stuff could be purchased without having to browse through a poorly-designed catalogue by Mann Co., the mumbling enigma had gone and dug up a duffel bag of cash from his room, and began fitting the money into his suit's pocket.

Scout had started to mock Pyro when he saw the duffel for "thinkin' that a bag o' spare change could buy him somethin' nice". However, Scout's mockery soon became full-fledged begging after Sniper casually mentioned that the bills were all hundred-dollar ones, probably a year's worth of pay, and that Scout had spent about the same amount on Bonk! soda in the last two months. Scout's mood at the moment was a clear indicator that he was the one running on a budget this time.

Heavy's thoughts on the trip were pretty optimistic, as he'd been seated next to Medic to his left and the flatbed's small door to his right. He was hoping that there would be a bookstore in the mall so he could buy some English versions of his favorite books to serve as entertainment and education; as he was pretty well versed in his native language, but lacking in English, which made him look somewhat dumb to some of his colleagues, and that was something he sought to change.

Unbeknownst to the Russian titan, Medic was also looking forward to seeing a bookstore, as his stack of unread medicine manuals had been steadily shrinking over the last month, and he was desperate for some new reading material, not that he didn't already know the facts already.

For Engineer the trip was a mixed bag, as it had been a very long time since he had been able to enjoy a day without having to worry about any kind of gunfire coming his way, and he hoped it stayed that way, but he was pretty sure he'd seen some of the other mercenaries stowing weapons on their persons, Pyro included. At the moment, he was praying with all his might for the day to stay peaceful, but his thoughts were interrupted when Scout began to point and chant excitedly as they arrived at the mall.


	3. Chapter 3: It's a madhouse

Chapter 3: It's a madhouse

The first thing the group did after getting out of the two vehicles and stretching a bit was look for the mall's map. They decided that nine men, some of which had opted to come in full combat gear, all in a big group would most likely cause a stampede of terrified shoppers, so they began forming their own little groups depending on what they wanted to go see.

Soldier and Demoman had spotted an army surplus shop at the other side of the mall on their way in and marked it as their number one priority, but Demo was hoping they could make a stop at what sounded like a fancy liquor store. Medic and Heavy had fortunately found a large bookstore on the map, and had agreed to go together for company and splitting the bill evenly.

For the safety of everyone in the mall, Engineer had tagged alongside Pyro to keep him from turning a shop into his next big bonfire, and had pitched the idea of visiting the local Home Depot, to which the fire starter had responded pretty well.

Sniper was unwillingly selected by Scout to be his "shopping buddy", AKA "bag carrier", and had no choice but to go to the sporting goods store Scout had seen from across the mall, on the condition that they went to the camping outlet after that. Spy had not been seen since they got to the mall's map, and was actually on his way to the nearest drycleaner to try and get the smell of gasoline Pyro had left on him from the trip off his suit.

After walking for a while, Engineer was forced to stop when Pyro spotted what would soon become his first real purchase in years: an ice-cream stand. Chuckling to himself, Engineer got to the counter while Pyro browsed through the available flavors, his gasmask stuck like superglue to the glass.

The pair of teenagers running the stand did not see them straight away, and were notably weirded out by the man in a hardhat and welding goggles about to order. However, they soon agreed that he was the least of their problems when a man in a full flame-retardant suit and mask got up to his full height and began motioning towards a particular flavor. After receiving several assurances that "Pyro" was pretty much harmless unless you stared, the terrified employees got around to serving the pair two scoops of chocolate ice-cream, one of which came with a straw at the insistence of the masked man. Both of the teenagers were about to take off their aprons and quit, until they looked at the tip jar, that now held several neatly folded hundred-dollar bills with a note that had a smiley face on it.

In another part of the mall, things had already started to get hairy when a guy in a leather jacket and a baseball cap "accidentally" dumped a drink on top of Soldier, and apologized to him several times while patting his chest repeatedly. Unknown to Soldier, he was getting mugged in broad daylight. Unknown to the mugger, Soldier had picked up the bad habit of carrying mousetraps in his pockets. Both learned a valuable lesson at the same time when the man began screaming bloody murder with his hand in a mousetrap, and Soldier realized he felt a mousetrap lighter than before he was drenched, and it all clicked together in the demented patriot's mind. All anyone saw twenty seconds later was two men clad in red dragging something into the nearest supply closet, and later going back to their quest towards the army store.


	4. Chapter 4: Mall mayhem

**Author's note: First of all, sorry for the delay in uploading this new chapter, as I had to sort out some personal issues that came up. Second, thanks to the people who have chosen to follow and review this story. A very important part of this chapter will be explained in another story published soon, set in the same continuity. Finally, enjoy the newest chapter in this story…**

Chapter 4: Mall mayhem

While Soldier was busy dishing out his special brand of justice, Sniper and Scout were currently sifting through the stands of the sporting goods store, trying to find something that Scout liked, but did not mean that Sniper would end up lending him money, because Scout was terrible at paying back. If Sniper's memory did not fail him, the young Bostonian still owed Medic over sixty bucks for all the windows he had smashed while tossing his baseball around the infirmary.

As Sniper was playing insurance broker in his head, Scout was turning every pocket he had inside out and hoping a quarter fell to the floor, because at the moment his budget averaged at a measly seventy bucks plus spare change, enough for him to buy himself one decent item, but it meant being dirt poor for the rest of the trip.

Sniper soon picked up on the other man's inner distress, and made a decision he could later regret. He lent the Scout two hundred bucks, on one condition: he either got his money back the day the vacation ended or else he'd play William Tell with Scout one time for every dollar he'd lent. Scout had no idea what a William Tell was, but was thrilled to have a bigger budget, which he immediately took a bite out of to purchase a new baseball bat, since his old one was dented from beating robots on the head with it.

After paying for his new weapon of mass distraction, Scout was forced to honor his end of the first bargain he'd made with Sniper, and began jogging towards the camping store with the Australian. Along the way they got quite a few odd looks from people, mainly because of the Sniper's outfit and the fact that there was a high-powered rifle slung to his back in a crowded mall. However, Scout thought the stares they were getting were because of him, and began striking poses. This made some people walk away or point and snicker at the scrawny kid making a fool out of himself. However the pointing came to an abrupt end when someone made a comment mocking Scout a little too close to him, resulting in the speed freak hitting him right in the face with his bat, resulting in quite a few missing teeth and a major concussion to boot.

Sniper grumbled, cursed and sped up his walk towards the camping store, with a furious Scout behind him threatening anyone who came into view with the same treatment he'd given the poor soul that had spoken too loud.

Heavy's day on the other hand, could not be going any better, as the bookstore he'd found was bigger than it seemed thanks to a basement level. One of the employees at the shop was an old lady who'd immediately taken a shine to him, and Heavy soon found himself carrying a large stack of books. Just as he began to make his way to the checkout counter, a book caught his eye: one titled "Complete Encyclopedia of Trauma, Wounds and Medical Conditions". He added it to the stack and requested to have it gift-wrapped in a nice dove-stamped paper they had, as it was to be a gift for Medic, who at the moment was struggling to contain an urge to lash out after a pair of teenagers with mohawks and skull-stamped t-shirts had decided that the nerdy German was an easy target for them. They would soon be proven wrong after one of them ended up with a new haircut courtesy of the Medic's bonesaw and the other nailed to a shelf with about a dozen syringes.

When both friends reunited at the bookstore's entrance, Heavy was none the wiser to the incident, and gave the crazed doctor his gift, along with a huge smile. Medic was taken aback by the gesture, and stated his intentions to pay it back somehow later.

Going back to Pyro and Engineer, they had run into Sniper and Scout, who were being chased around by the mall's security personnel. While the duo hoped to slip away from the chase scene unnoticed, the combined presence of four mercenaries had attracted yet another crowd. Then Pyro noticed something that was enough to send him into a Pyroland rage: a flash of light, a _click,_ and laughter. Somebody had just snapped a picture of him. And if there was anything that the arsonist detested with all his might, it was being photographed.

Half an hour later, the group was now capping the interstate's speed limit after Pyro had flown into a crisis and burned the mall down to the ground after the guy that snapped a photo of him had refused to get rid of it. Despite this, the unlikely band had actually set a record of being able to interact with the outside world to a certain extent; and were now on their way to find their next target: a place to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5: Counting sheep

Chapter 5: Counting sheep

After the mall incident, the group's main concerns were to get as far as possible from there, and find a place to sleep that was an actual building and not Sniper's van. After refueling several times, they'd decided to head into the first city they saw, as a certain French assassin refused to sleep at a highway motel due to his "standards".

The city in question came half an hour later, and the mercenaries began to look for hotels, with Soldier exclaiming that he'd always wanted to try one of those fancy hotels Merasmus always talked about whenever he demanded that Soldier pay the whole rent "because he had an emergency". To Spy's horror, it was then agreed that since it had been his idea to get picky with sleeping arrangements, the tab was on him when they checked out. Knowing his teammates, the tab would come as the insurance bill for the whole hotel after a few nights, or sooner if Demoman found a minibar to raid there.

Despite Spy's claims that he'd be comfortable on any sort of hotel, the one the rest of the group chose was the tallest, gaudiest and most expensive they'd ever seen. The nine misfits made a beeline for the lobby, and mainly to get revenge on Spy, requested the luxury suites. The poor employee behind the front desk was about to tell them to get out until the bald man with an accent grabbed the one with a suit and ski mask, flipped him on his head over the counter, and gave him several good shakes.

Out came several thousand dollars, two watches, an assortment of knives, what looked like a tape recorder with wires sticking out and two revolvers. The Russian man asked the employee to take the money while Spy was busy concealing his arsenal again. After counting carefully several times, they were told they could afford the rooms they wanted, but they were also warned that there was another guest that had paid for a luxury suite adjacent to theirs about three days ago, and ordered the staff to tone down on the noise they made.

…

A few floors above the lobby, Merasmus was taking a nap, happily dreaming about Soldier locked in a fridge while he relaxed on a lawn chair. However, he awoke when he heard several loud thumps, a door slamming and several insults that sounded quite familiar. His blood ran cold when he made a mental checklist and remembered WHERE he heard those insults before. Merasmus, one of the last dark wizards of the world, owner of the Bombinomicon and creator of Monoculus, was now barricading the door and locking himself in the bathroom because he was stuck with the Teufort Nine as his neighbors.

…...

After getting the keys for the three rooms they'd rented, the mercenaries proceeded to get the luggage up there, and decide who bunked with who. This choice boiled down to Pyro, Engineer and Scout in one room, Soldier, Demoman and Sniper in another, with Heavy, Medic and Spy in the last one, as a means of having at least one sensible member in each room and preventing fights. The last point went to hell moments later when Soldier and Demo forgot they had a third roommate and left him in the hall after getting the bags in the room, even if they let him in a bit after they received several threats related to Jarate.

In the next room, Engineer was glad he could spend the night somewhere nice, and Pyro was thrilled to see a large, fluffy bed he then claimed as his own. Scout on the other hand was instantly drawn to the wall-mounted TV, which after a lengthy inspection of the TV guide, was revealed to have a dedicated sports channel programmed in.

Last but not least, Medic and Heavy both proceeded to flop down on the beds and fell asleep immediately, leaving Spy with the couch as his own. The saboteur then fetched a drink from the minibar, got comfortable on the couch and began flipping through the TV channels, hoping to find something worthwhile to watch.

Everything was at peace that night, as all three rooms slept through it blissfully, making Merasmus relax and get out from the bathroom and into a proper bed. The first of several big mistakes he'd make.

The next morning, the group woke up with an insatiable hunger, as they'd skipped dinner. Before going down to the hotel's restaurant however, Soldier wanted coffee, and decided to test out the room's fancy coffeemaker. But when he went to get the usual packet of sugar he usually added to it, Soldier realized the staff forgot to resupply them. He then decided to ask for sugar in another room, but chose to avoid his teammate's rooms, as they wouldn't open up to avoid getting dragged into a marching drill by the American fanatic. So he went to ask his mystery neighbor for it.

Back in Merasmus' room, he woke up to loud knocking on his door, and requests for sugar. In his sleepy daze, the wizard forgot who might have been on the other side of the door, and opened up to tell his visitor to shut up. However, he'd snap back to all his senses when he was greeted with a headlock courtesy of Soldier, who was wearing his trademark helmet and raccoon pajamas. All he was capable of doing was to scream at the top of his lungs.

Engineer was just waking up when he heard what was probably a fight about to start in the hall. He chose not to intervene, as he reminded himself that it was his first vacations, and someone else could handle the scuffle it got out of hand, preferably Heavy.

He was forced to pay attention to this, however, when his room's door was kicked down and in strode Soldier, proudly presenting what looked like a set of old drapes with bony legs in purple bunny slippers. "Dammit Soldier, leave that old lady alone before she suffocates, we have enough problems with the mall incident to be charged for assault!" Engineer ordered, while trying to cool down. "It's not an old lady, it's the walking rag we all love to hate. It's Merasmus!" Soldier shot back in a sing-song tone.

At the mention of the wizard's name, Demoman had immediately gotten up and was now on his way to Engineer's room with the Eyelander in one hand, and the Scottish Resistance in the other. When he arrived however, he found something straight out of his dreams: Engineer and Pyro standing between Soldier and Merasmus, the Texan in the middle of a screaming match with Soldier.

"I do not care if he charged you full rent a million times, it's our first vacation, and you'll behave accordingly!". "Why are you taking his side?! He's attacked us every Halloween we've spent near Teufort!". "Exactly! Whatever is the beef between you two, sort it out on Halloween, not the middle of March!".

The argument could have gone on for longer, but Pyro took a more radical approach and began firing his shotgun at the ceiling in an attempt to break up the fight. This calmed every single involved party down, and drew the rest of the gang to the room. After some explaining and shouting, almost everyone agreed with Engineer, with the exception of Demo, who'd sided with Soldier.

Merasmus had amazingly, been quiet all through the argument, and only spoke up to say he sided with Engineer, and that a free breakfast would mean they were even for the rude awakening he'd suffered at the hands of Soldier. The pro-peace side of the mercenaries agreed to this arrangement, and the other two mercenaries were forced to be still throughout the meal, or else.


End file.
